Is A Robotic Companion Right For You?

From the good folks at Sakora Solutionsa wellness company, specializing in behavioral therapy, pharmaceuticals, and cybernetics.” Find out if Sakora’s COMPANION PROGRAM is right for you:

About Sakora Solutions’ Companion Program

In our digital age, electronic distractions increasingly devalue, demean, and replace interpersonal relationships. Forty-percent of young adults experience chronic feelings of disassociation, discomfort, and depression. Cases of anhedonia, moral apathy, and even suicide are on the rise. Studies have shown that young men ages thirteen to seventeen are particularly at risk. 

That’s why there’s Sakora Solutions’ Companion Program.

 

Love must be relearned.”

–       Coleo Foridae, Founder and President.

COMPANION PROGRAM FAQ

 

What is a Companion?

A Companion is an advanced cybernetic android, a teaching tool, a learning machine, a trusted confidant, and a beloved friend. Designed to mimic, learn, and modify human behavior, the Companion is the most advanced non-invasive, non-narcotic therapeutic device ever conceived, making it the ideal tool for human development, from treating disorders to inspiring personal growth. At once less and more than human, a Companion is humanity’s helpmate for the new millennium.

How does the Companion Program work?

The Companion Program treats conditions like Dissociative Disorder by teaching empathic human connection. Accounting for the power of the adolescent male libido, the Program utilizes operant conditioning (or “punishment and reward”) to discourage dehumanizing behavior and reinforce relationship development.

Is the Companion Program right for me?

Presently, the Companion Program is proscribed for sufferers of Dissociative Disorder and similar conditions. If you currently or have ever experienced feelings of disconnection, emotional flatness, self-consciousness, uncertainty, depression, isolation, or dissatisfaction, ask your doctor about Sakora’s Companion Program.

Caution:

  • Patients with preexisting heart-conditions should not participate in the Companion Program.
  • Patients suffering from epilepsy or who have a family history of strobe-induced seizures should not participate.
  • Patients with pacemakers, metallic bone pins or metallic fillings are strongly discouraged from participating in the Companion Program.

What is an Intimacy Clock?

Your Companion’s Intimacy Clock measures the growth of your empathic connection to your Companion over time. As your relationship deepens— through communication, shared experience, and mutual understanding— more intimate forms of physical connection become available.

Simply put, the Intimacy Clock is a countdown. After one minute with your Companion, a handshake may be appropriate; after thirty-days, a long hug or a kiss. Individual countdowns will vary.

The Intimacy Clock discourages precipitous and inappropriate physical contact by administering a gentle electronic pulse, disrupting communication between the brain and the voluntary muscles (see disclaimer).

What is the ABC Protocol?

Your Companion has access to nearly a million logographical and encyclopedic entries, including a vast database of non-verbal facial and body language cues. But she still has a lot to learn!

Because our language is always changing, Companions are not programmed with slang or technical jargon. Sakora’s ABC Protocol allows your Companion to “learn” words and phrases much as an infant does, gradually developing more colloquial speech.

Does my Companion really “love” me?

Your Companion experiences an intense, involuntary desire to be near you and experience your happiness, manifesting in physiological symptoms identical to “love.” At the electrochemical level, there is little difference between human love and your Companion’s “feelings” toward you.

What happens to my Companion once the Program is complete?

Retired Companions are “decommissioned” in one of Sakora’s humane rendering facilities.

Are there boy Companions?

Sakora Solutions is constantly expanding to embrace new platforms and provide a wider selection of products and services.

Disclaimer:

In clinical trials a small number of test subjects experienced recurring rashes, muscle twitches, and temporary paralysis or blindness. Some patients may experience prolonged agalmatophilia or technosexuality after completing the Companion Program. In rare cases, attachment to electronic objects such as toasters, cellular telephones and switching stations occurred. Common side effects include nausea, dry mouth, priapism or “persistent erection.” Profuse sweating, disorientation, palpitations and other symptoms associated with “Debilitating Infatuation Syndrome” may also occur.

Individual results may vary. Consult your doctor.

[New users can now take our free online test, to see which COMPANION is right for you. Personal information will absolutely not be tabulated and stored in our super computer for later exploitation. Persons suffering from identity crises, low self-esteem, hypertension, existential panic, or general feelings of well-being should not take this test. Sakora Solutions is responsible for any emotional distress, physical injury, or global disasters directly caused by the actions of Sakora Solutions.]

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2 comments

  1. Dear Sir, Madam,

    I’m very happy with my boy companion at the moment, but if you could produce a babysitting combination cleaner companion I would be ecstatic.

    Thanking you in advance,

    Mrs. Would be writer, whose child is looking under the laptop for more pennies to steal.

    1. This is an automatically generated response.

      Dear [Customer Name],

      Thank you for your [question/complaint]. A representative will contact you shortly with an [answer/apology]. Sakora Solutions offers 24-hour [customer service / emergency medical assistance], for all your Sakora Solutions Companion Program [needs/-related scarring].

      Thank you for using Sakora Solutions Automated Response Messaging Service. A fee of $6.99 has been debited from your bank account. Your estimated wait time is 4563134 minutes.

      Sakokra: Solutions For Life

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